The True Purpose of Relationships
The Art of Meditation: Personal Development and Spiritual Growth:
Your relationship is not there to make you happy. It is not there to satisfy your needs. It is not there to help you escape your loneliness. Its purpose is not for you to procreate, although you might. It is not there to provide you with a tax break, although you should take that. It is certainly not there for you to exploit, by exerting power and control over the other. It is not there to hold together the so called moral fiber of society. It is not there because God mandates it. It is not there for divine male and divine female to merge through you and your partner. It is not there to play with Kundalini, although can be used for that. It is there as the mirror in which to see yourself clearly. That’s it.
Let me tell you a story. In a land far away a beautiful princess was about to get married to her dream man. She had been told he was the perfect man. Full of love, compassion, strength and intelligence – and of course handsome as hell. She was so happy. The wedding day came and went, the whole kingdom celebrated and all was well. The morning after an equally wonderful wedding night, the princess brought her new husband tea and biscuits in bed. He smiled, ate, drank, told her how deeply he loved her and then slapped her flush across the cheek. They had not lied, he was strong and the princess was knocked to the floor by the force of the blow. She was dazed, in pain but mostly just in shock. What was more surprising was the shock on the husband’s face. He was even more bewildered.
The husband convinced the princess that he was just as taken aback by what happened and was genuinely sorry. His kind eyes and sincere tone clearly indicated to her that he was telling the truth so she forgave him and they moved on. Some years passed and soon both forgot the ugly event, until one day just as suddenly it happened again…. Whack! Then, soon after it reared its ugly head again…. Whack! Now it was too much for both to take and so they decided to seek counsel. Being royalty, all the best medics were summoned and consulted. Various theories were postulated and several cures were tried. Calming oils, exotic herbs, exorcisms, but every so often… Whack! It would happen again.
Desperate, they finally went to see a mysterious sage who lived high up in the mountains and was reputed as the wisest medic in the land, but one who would rarely accept an audience. After a long, hard journey they finally arrived at the sage’s cave. He was sitting on a rock outside in deep meditation so they waited patiently. Several hours later the sage opened his eyes and noticed the couple and much to their relief agreed to speak to them. He led them inside and then heard about the problem. At the end of the narration he asked to see the husband’s hands and closely inspected his palms. Once done with the husband he surprisingly asked to see the princess’s hand and carefully began to check her pulse. Finally he looked up smiling and said, “I will tell you what is happening here, but in exchange you must not refuse me what I ask.” Anxious to have this mystery finally solved they both agreed.
“Well, my dearies”, said the sage still smiling and looking at the husband said, “You sir are a great, healer. Your hands contain great power and you my dear princess have a terrible disease that keeps re-occurring every so often. By slapping you he has been curing you of this affliction time and again. If it had not been for those slaps, you would have long perished by now.” What relief they both felt. Overwhelmed by what they heard they fell to the feet of the sage and tearfully thanked him. As for the payment, well the husband wound up and laid one directly on the sage…. Whack!
What is the point of this story? Relationship produces pain for you so that you may awaken to what needs to be worked on within yourself. In the case of the princess she was lucky as the pain was benefiting her without her knowledge, but in most of our cases we need to utilize the suffering caused by the relationship to inspect closely the disease of our attachments. The pain, upset, discomfort caused in the relationship helps to reveal the attachments we have and the inner working of our minds. It could be as simple as feeling bad for not being complimented on a new dress or as complex as getting upset with your partner for giving away too much to charity. All the upsets, big and small, simple and complex have their roots in our attachments. The attachments could be to security, money, sex, power, prestige, name, fame, religion, children, family, country, comfort, food, etc. It does not matter, our relationships, specially the intimate ones, will poignantly reveal them to us.
As long as we have these attachments, and they are strong within us, we live in fear and misery. Afraid of not getting that which we want, afraid of loosing it if we have it and fearful of those on whom we depend on for their fulfillment. Any relationship upon which you depend for your personal gratification and security will eventually lead you to the mess of anger, control, possessiveness, jealousy, fear and hatred. This is relatively easy to see if we watch relationships in action. So measuring the strength of one’s relationship by the level of attachment is quite silly. In fact, life will not allow such relationships to endure and by producing a few storms she will eventually tear it down and force a new one to be built. On the other hand, when two self-sufficient people meet, adore each other and enjoy each other’s company we have the makings of something special.
Seeing the trouble that attachment brings and realizing that love and fear cannot coexist, what can be done? Change your attitude towards relationship pain. See it for what it really is, an opportunity for insight. Insight into the working of pleasure and its child – desire, or pain and its child – fear. The way of insight is through delicate observation. When any upset occurs watch closely how you react to it. Watch closely how the storm of thoughts start to take control. “I can’t believe he did this again, he does it every time, I have told him so many times before, he knows how important this is for me, he is so selfish and inconsiderate, I bet he would not treat his mother like this, why doesn’t he change, I am never going to speak to him again, … I am so right!” On and on thought takes over and one is caught in the chaos. This is childish and won’t help at all, and the worst part is that a golden opportunity is being wasted. An opportunity to observe the self in action and perceive the root cause of the attachment. Have you ever tried to observe the actual feeling, the physical reality of what is taking place without interfering and without getting carried away into all the mental threads? By doing so, you will allow the fact of what is happening, anger, jealousy, fear, etc. to reveal itself to you in its complete detail. This is to understand by direct perception and allow insight to blossom. This is the only approach that will root out and weaken attachment. Any other reaction on your part to suppress the feeling, or run away from it, or replace it with good feelings, or psychoanalyze it, etc, will simply leave the underlying causes intact only to have the outburst happen again when the time is ripe.
The princess had cancer, which was cured by life through her husband; life tries in the same way to cure the disease of attachment that we are afflicted with using our relationships. Observing carefully our internal reality, that is reflected in our relationships, is the beginning of meditation. And meditation alone brings freedom and self-sufficiency. Relationship provides the most useful opportunities for applying ourselves in this way, so be ready, prepared and poised the next time you get Whacked.
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This is a brilliant article! I’m going to include it in my carnival of entrepreneurs and business! I love it!
Hey Vin, The following 2 articles have guidelines on how to figure out what you really love to do…
https://anmolmehta.com/2007/01/08/stop-the-madness-of-self-discipline/
https://anmolmehta.com/2007/03/24/the-secret-on-how-to-become-an-early-riser/
I have a question regarding your response to Meg. How do you find what you really love. Not sure if you have a article on this already, I did a quick search and did not find it.
Hi Meg, Thanks for your feedback and very interesting questions. The following 3 points I believe will help answer some of your questions.
1. The article is emphasizing that relationship pain should be seen as an opportunity to examine the working of the ego. If the attachments were minimized suffering would be greatly reduced. There are also other tools to study the workings of the self/ego such as meditation, self-study, etc.
2. The key to having joyous relationships is to discover what it is that you love to do in life. Discovering this will make you self-sufficient and dependency on escapes from loneliness will not manifest. This will allow you to love and give freely without conditions. This love will also give you the strength and intelligence to decide on your relationships.
3. As long as attachments are strong and are the reason for the relationship, the relationship is really only between the attachments – it is a matter of using each other then. Once attachments weaken you are no longer under their influence, there is a movement towards freedom and love. You can only now truly decide and act for yourself — until then the attachments are running the show. Anything that strengthens attachments, thus binding you further is wrong, anything that frees your from attachments and takes you out of ego-centric activity is right.
Hope this helps. Relationships are one of the most complex aspects of our lives, let me know if you wish to discuss anything further. Best Wishes.
I enjoyed the article and agree with it for the most part. What I don’t understand is this: If a relationship causes you pain could the lesson be also that you need to learn not to remain in that relationship? The theory discusses that all our pain is called through our attachments or expectations, does that mean that we need to remain within that relationship to learn the necessary lessons? Sorry, not sure if I’m making myself clear on this, I’m finding it hard to put into words…
The idea is that only through our relationships with others, do we see the reflection of the lessons we need to work upon within ourselves. But if the self has no attachment or sense of ‘self’ then how does it distinguish between what is wrong or right? And what then is wrong or right anyway? For example. My partner was unfaithful, is my lesson to learn my need to choose relationships which reflect the way I see myself, which perhaps is not in a loving light? So therefore the lesson is to learn to love myself more. Or is the lesson to accept that I do not love myself enough, and to accept that it must also be his lesson to learn as we are each other’s mirrors? And that my attachment to the idea of a monogomous relationship is just that – an attachment? Does this mean that we are meant to stay and figure that out or move on? Confused….
I enjoyed the article and agree with it for the most part. What I don’t understand is this: If a relationship causes you pain could the lesson be also that you need to learn not to remain in that relationship? The theory discusses that all our pain is called through our attachments, does that mean that we need to remain within that relationship to learn the necessary lessons? Sorry, not sure if I’m making myself clear on this, I’m finding it hard to put into words…
The idea is that only through our relationships with others, do we see the reflection of the lessons we need to work upon within ourselves. But if the self has no attachment or sense of ‘self’ then how does it distinguish between what is wrong or right? And what then is wrong or right anyway? For example. My partner was unfaithful, is my lesson to learn my need to choose relationships which reflect the way I see myself, which perhaps is not in a loving light? So therefore the lesson is to learn to love myself more. Or is the lesson to accept that I do not love myself enough, and to accept that it must also be his lesson to learn as we are each other’s mirrors? And that my attachment to the idea of a monogomous relationship is just that – an attachment? Does this mean that we are meant to stay and figure that out or move on? Confused….
Hi Kara-Leah, This is one of my favorite articles as well :-)
I’ve read this article a few times now, and keep coming back to it to remind me of what’s going on when I experience pain in my relationships. This has to be the best article (and most helpful) I have ever read about the nature of relationships.
Thank you.
Sorry, Not sure if you read the entire article? Its meant to be symbolic… them fighting would not quite capture the point. In any case sorry if I offended you. For those familiar with Agora (Left Hand of God – Kundalini Yoga – this is actually a healing technique used by Agora Nath’s). Let me know if anyone is interested in that and I will pass on some very interesting reading on that topic.
Usually, I never criticize articles but…a story about physical abuse? I’d understand if they fought but……I don’t condone that type of behavior.
Hi Alex,
Thanks for the feedback, specially since its positive :-D. Glad you are enjoying the site.
hi nice site.
Easiest way is to email them the internet address of this article (URL). Then they can just click that link (or cut and paste it into their browser) and will be taken to this article. The URL for this article is…
https://anmolmehta.com/2007/01/08/the-true-purpose-of-relationships/
Also, this way they will be able to enjoy other content in the website too :-D
how do I forward this article to a friend?