The Time I Met God – Good News & Bad News
Experience with Divinity
There is a room at my parent’s house which is a favorite place to crash for my friends and myself when we have burned too much of the midnight oil. This room used to be the car garage, which my folks have converted to a guest bedroom, to accommodate the endless stream of guests who flow through their house during the summer months. The reason this room is so good to sleep in is because it is pitch dark regardless of whether it is day or night. Having been a garage, the room has no windows and furthermore has a heavy air tight door, so not a ray of light can seep into the room. It is here in this room, with no outside light, that my inner light exploded one fateful night.
I had returned home to participate in a puja (prayer) and since the dark room was available the night before the prayers I happily commandeered it for myself. As had been my practice since my late teen years (and still till today), I lie on my back before sleeping in order to meditate. I can’t sleep on my back and this is my blessing. I can meditate for almost as long as I like in this posture and only very rarely do I drift off to sleep. So as always I was lying there, in the silent, deep darkness, watching my thoughts, when what would be one of the most extraordinary experience I ever had began to unfold.
As I lay there watching intently, a great suffering spontaneously began to emerge deep in my being. The suffering came forth from what seemed like every cell in my body. I did not react to this experience in any way, but simply remained a witness to it. In fact, from this point on all that transpired happened on its own without any willful action on my part. The suffering grew in intensity and poured out from deep within my system. This continued till finally it came to a crescendo and a great release took place as the suffering was expelled from my body in one great push. In this release it felt as if all the suffering in me had been purged and it was like going through a great catharsis, like being reborn anew.
Immediately following this catharsis a great benediction descended on me. There is a Sanskrit word called “dhanya” which is hard to translate, but, correctly captures what took place. The closest translation I can think of would be, “To Be Blessed”, to be touched by the Hand of God. This great blessing, grace, filled my consciousness and I became aware of the presence of the actuality of Divinity.
Whoever invented that word, divine, had experienced what I describe here. It is not like describing chocolate cake, the actuality of Divinity is simply awesomely divine. There are really no adjectives that would capture the magnificence of God and that is probably one reason those that encounter Divinity simply choose to not say anything about it. It is so incredible that trying to convey the magnitude of the experience with language seems like a gross injustice. In any case, with the awareness of the actuality of Divinity, the spontaneous realization in the inherent perfection of everything took place. Everything is absolutely and completely perfect, there was and is never ever a need to do anything ever. Everything is perfectly perfect!
So here is the good new and the bad news from having met God. Bad news first…
Bad News After Meeting God:
The realization that everything is perfect and no effort is needed also brought the realization that every effort, every thought, is a sin. Every effort (desire) makes us blind to the perfection of what is and every willful thought is stained by desire, making it is a sin. Every single thought stained by desire is an indication to God that his creation is incomplete and imperfect. For this absolute perfection to be encountered, every effort has to cease spontaneously. These were not intellectual conclusions I was arriving at, these were simply realizations resulting from being in the presence of blissful Divinity and Truth.
Good News After Meeting God:
The good news is that thankfully, Divinity was forgiving and forgiving and forgiving and I was crying and crying and crying. I have never cried so much and never felt so much bliss, compassion and love being poured onto me. The act of forgiving would not end, the bliss would not end, absolute awe of Divinity would not end and the tears which were just flowing like a river would not end. All was being automatically forgiven.
Conclusion After Meeting God:
I don’t know how long this went on, but, I noticed during this time there was hardly any mind at all. The mind was pushed far away, it had receded somewhere into the far backgrounds of consciousness from where… eventually… the damn thing started to return :-). The problem with mind is that you cannot fight it and win. Fighting with the mind is just more mind. Telling yourself to not have any more desires, is just another desire, another sin. Telling yourself to not make an effort, is indeed more effort, more delusion, more blindness. That is why the trap of Maya (illusion) and “mind projected reality” is so absolute. It is a fantastically designed trap and you shall not escape it easily. The only way to deal with this situation is to laugh about it, else, you will end up psychotic or suicidal. Embrace a sense of humor, it will be invaluable to you to deal with the great cosmic joke that all your suffering is caused by own effort to find happiness.
Finding God, Divinity, Truth is the only real purpose of life. Divinity is infinite love and infinite bliss. If there was one great lesson to learn from this experience, I would say that given he can forgive your billion sins even before you commit them, can’t you forgive others for their few transgressions against you? Forgive, forgive, forgive, let your divine nature start to shine through.
It is a question similar to what Kim asked.
I am just a beginner or may be much before that.
And i do not want to lose the desires. While God is perfect and can’t be reached by intellectual reasoning & whom the Vedas describe as ‘Neti Neti’ but still there is lot to be done in the material world. There are so many problems facing the world (poverty, malnutrition, extremism to name a very few). While a statement from Swami Vivekananda – “Do you think even an ant will die for want of your help” is very humbling to keep one grounded; nevertheless it doesn’t ask one to shun action, or as the Gita says don’t be actionless (akarmani) just be indifferent for the fruits. what I am saying is I will always like to leave a place better a little more b’ful than it earlier was. Is n’t this a desire? Isn’t this a will to change the creation around? if this is a sin , is not it worth committing? Besides, I do have certain personal goals to reach ? Is it wrong to strive for excellence in the field that you are in ? That too is a desire- to be more successful , influential etc. Like Marie mentioned in one of the thread about her effective presentation.
That brings me to another question. (Apologies for posting it here, since it should have been posted on the same thread). In the thread of ‘Symptoms of kundalini awakening’ there were a few who were complaining regarding having problems in concentrating cos of the pressure or pain in the third eye area. I would rather like to be a more effective individual after and while going through all this process. Someone with a very sharp and pointed concentration rather than having problems in concentration. As Swami Vivekanada talks about in his book on Raja-yoga. I would want to be a more effective and dynamic individual in various domains of my life (Someone like Krishna; (am not sure if this amounts to blasphemy, Hope the loving lord will forgive me)).
Regarding the coming back , I should admit , there is certain doubts that I have about returning. I used to feel lot of sensation ( goosebumps) and flow of energy in my body and spine during my meditations (could not continue in last few months cos of many reasons). But I also used to think, what if i loose myself in one of such meditations? Will I have no motivations thereafter? Will i completely loose a sense of who I am ? (Like some identity for practical functioning in the world). How is it after that? I know it might be not possible to describe that in words , since it is an experience, but please shed some light.
While I might sound foolish at some places, but then I think it is all a process of growing up and experiencing what they call as ‘Neti-Neti’.
Best regards,
Doer
Hi Kim,
Sorry somehow this comment got missed in the website move till I just came upon it.
Your question is excellent and you are right that the answer will come to you through your meditation, but here are my thoughts on this which might help.
The best way to approach this issue is to accept you have desires and then have the desires integrate into one great desire to find the Truth. Let this one uncontradicted desire be the fuel to propel you towards infinity, where finally this desire will extinguish itself.
Am glad you are enjoying the website and thanks for your encouraging feedback.
Best,
Anmol
Hi Anmol,
First I just wanted to say that I stumbled across this site a couple days ago, and it is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and insight.
I’ve read a lot about meditation, zen, etc although I am beginner in the actual ‘practicing’ phase (I am just starting your SM Meditation Program). But often after reading, especially your post, I did have a question. In part you mention about all desires or wilfull thoughts being a sin, and it’s covering the natural perfection. While I understand the experience can not adequately be explained, could you elaborate more on that (or possibly point me to a different blog). I just don’t quite understand how a person can have ambition or passion in life, as aren’t these wilfull thoughts? Somehow I feel like the answer will come to me in time through my meditation, but maybe you could help shed some light on the matter. :-)
Hey Rod,
Vern’s got a great site. I too have seen some of the meditation videos there. Very interesting stuff. Glad you have been inspired to devote more time to your meditation.
Here in the US, love your neighbors more is rather hard to get to… first step is to even get to know them :-). People here are certainly living busy little lives on their own little islands.
Best,
Anmol
Anmol, living on the edge is tough ;-}
My little threshold experience seems to have resulted from practising some of the exercises suggested in “The Miracle of the Breath” by Andy Caponigro. (Otherwise I’d be tempted to put it down to the can of Kirin Brau Meister beer I drank some time earlier…)
But then I watched all of Vern’s jhana video talks, and immediately felt a sense of entitlement and inevitable progress (hence my Groundhog Day experiences). Vern has obviously been working very hard at meditation and other things, and it’s folly to expect the same results without the same practice. Chastened but also motivated, I’ve doubled my meditation time, and I’ve forsworn ‘reaching’. Reading a selection of Zen books, and breath and voice manuals too.
At the weekend I took part in a local Shinto festival, hauling ‘God’ around the neighbourhood in an extremely heavy portable shrine, drinking beer all the while as is the custom. Oddly enough, it seems to have been a spiritual purgative and I now love my neighbours better than I did before.
Hey Rod,
Awesome sunset pictures again :-). I love Groundhog Day, my wife is sick of watching it as I see it anytime its on. I am sure she feels like she is reliving the movie endlessly :-D.
Curious to know how you are making out w/ living on the edge. Another reader who emailed me is in a similar spot. Keep us posted.
Best,
Anmol
Since my little experience of standing on that threshold, two days ago, I’ve been having ‘Groundhog Day’ meditations. If you’ve seen the film, you may remember that the man cursed to live the same day over and over again has a perfect evening with the heroine and nearly gets to sleep with her, which will break the curse. But he doesn’t get to go all the way on that night, and in frustration, the next day, he tries frantically to repeat all his ‘moves’ from the previous night, thereby making a total prat of himself and driving away the girl. It was the funniest part of the film for me. Now I’m living it myself.
I guess it will take some while until normal service is resumed…
Anmol, that’s the one. I tried it very early on before I had even mastered basic concentration, so it didn’t work out. Something to try again sometime.
I just posted another an ‘old’ sunset my archives for your enjoyment…
Hey Rod,
The meditation I think you are referring to is the visual meditation from the Brain Development & Enlightenment – Awaken the Senses series; this meditation is a little tricky as you have to look in a different way (holistic 3D unfocused way)… its certainly a meditation that is fun to master as it will greatly sharpen the visual field and drown the sense of self in the sheer beauty of the vista, but its not one I would sweat over if it’s not working for you.
I actually came upon it spontaneously and enjoy it from time to time when I am alone in nature.
Best,
Anmol
Anmol, I’m glad you looked and liked those pics. I once tried the ‘scenery meditation’ looking out the window of my office but it was no use – too much visual information.
Hi Vern,
I just watched your “Breath slows, body starts disappearing” video. And that describes exactly what I experienced last night, except that it wasn’t gradual – suddenly I was just there with my body gone.
But more strange – you appear to be my doppelganger!
I’ll definitely be going through the rest of your site to see what else is ‘in store’.
Hey Rod,
Have visited that threshold in different forms many times. Have considered having my hand held so can be helped to make my way back for, as you have indicated, since you will be no longer how are you going to come back?
If you read UG Krishnamuriti, he has also indicated something similar. You may come back, or you may not… it’s not up to you past a certain point… it’s certainly a little disconcerting to say the least :-).
Am glad to hear that your guerilla tactics are paying dividends. BTW: Those are some amazing pictures of the sunset you have on your blog (specially if you click on them and see them full size).
Cheers,
Anmol
Hey Chis,
Well said and thank you for adding more clarity and insight to the topic. This is along the lines of the Neutral Mind that I indicated to KL in my comments above.
Best,
Anmol
Hey KL,
Both your questions, as usual, are fantastic. Whenever I try to keep an article a reasonable length and leave out closely related concepts, you raise them immediately :-).
Again, your questions deserve to be addressed in more than the comment section so I will put together articles for them, but, in the meantime here are my thoughts on each briefly.
Q1: In returning from such experiences there are 3 main ideas..
1. Can’t chase them as the chase denies them. So its always about getting back to moment by moment, day to day living.
2. It’s about having a Yogic Mind or Neutral Mind, thus treating success and failure equally. If enlightenment experience occurs so be it, if not and just a toothache occurs so be it.
3. Have to keep that sense of humor, its the only way to deal with the nature of this cosmic joke.
Q2: By relying only on intelligence. Everything else will mislead. This intelligence is to simply see everything as it is. It’s all thats needed.
BTW: Have been trying to get Subscribe to Comments working for some time w/o luck as I keep getting a DB user access error :-(. So I have put in a plugin that sends an email automatically when I reply to comments and w/ your permission I will use it whenever I reply to you so you can get the email as well. One of these days I will get the Subscribe to Comments working :-)
Thanks for always adding so much to this website,
Anmol
Hi Vern,
It’s always a privilege to meet others who are also interested in meditation and spirituality. I have visited you site and found it fascinating… great stuff. You will certainly find me back there.
Best,
Anmol
Anmol, another good one, and timely too!
Last night I found a good long opportunity for some guerilla meditation. I really got deeper in than ever before. Just as my legs were going to sleep I got into a very dark place where I could barely detect my breath. I didn’t know where I was or who I was. It was strange and frightening. I wanted to go on, but I wasn’t at all sure I’d be able to find my way back. It felt like a threshold to somewhere, and as such it was exciting.
Soon my small mind took over again and it was time to get back to work. I’m grateful for having been there, and I’ll go back when I can.
BTW, I laughed at the joke. “Spiritual humour” is some of the best.
The conclusion really ties it together well, yet for those unfamiliar with non-duality can leave them thoroughly confused. The beauty is in the simplicity… in letting go of the expectation, and of the non-expectation. Simply being.
In a way, it reminds me of a speech I gave in college where our goal was to take a stance either for or against something. I chose the death penalty. Then after we finished that speech, our next speech was to discuss a solution which was neither for nor against our previous speech, yet both opponents and proponents would be supportive of.
So I focused my speech on societal changes which would help reduce the number of murders, and therefore reduce the usage/need for the death penalty.
The ego/mind is just like that. Instead of us always trying to do things for or against it, we just reduce our attention we pay to it so the need to be for/against dissipates as well.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Wonderful description…
So my query – how does one live in the world after?
How does one both see the drama and be in the drama?
(Any chance of a subscribe to comments button so I can get emailed follow ups instead of having to remember to check back wtih posts I’ve commented on?)
Much joy,
KL
Wow – nice post… I have been looking to find others that have had experiences during meditation that are fantastic, phenomenal… and luckily I found your site… I have some videos at my seemlessness.com site that touch on some of what i’ve experienced during and outside of meditation… if you’re internested… nice site – i’ll bookmark you now and read your feed… Vern